Well, so much for regularity! It's been over a week since my last post. This bronchial infection is throwing me for a loop, since I haven't been this sick in several years. Fighting self-pity is almost as hard as fighting the illness!
My desire to move forward, to jettison things of the past, increases. But I find a certain lethargy, an inertia of sorts, won't let me move forward the way I would like. Perhaps it's just more of that hesitation I spoke of, and it drives me crazy!
Passivity, irrational fear, lack of confidence, anxiety about making real changes in my life - this is what I battle constantly, and have for as long as I can remember. Not to complain, mind you, but it's more than a little wearying to deal with these very self-limiting feelings over decades, virtually without pause. I sometimes marvel that I have accomplished anything at all in my life, so pervasive is the heaviness that preoccupies me much of the time. If this sounds like depression, well - surprise! - that's exactly what I'm talking about.
In recent years, in part because many celebrities have come forward to tell their stories, chronic depression is no longer the taboo subject it once was. Indeed, the subject has become much-discussed in the media - and probably in the blogosphere, too - I simply haven't checked.
Ironic, I suppose, that I'm beginning to unload about this on a blog, since this "burden" is obviously one of the main reasons for my "hesitancy" in blogging - of which I spoke earlier. Maybe the cure is in naming and confronting the dis-ease. At any rate, I'm really tired of holding so much inside an feeling lost in my own feelings.
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