Hanging in/on...

Well, so much for regularity!  It's been over a week since my last post.  This bronchial infection is throwing me for a loop, since I haven't been this sick in several years.  Fighting self-pity is almost as hard as fighting the illness!

My desire to move forward, to jettison things of the past, increases.  But I find a certain lethargy, an inertia of sorts, won't let me move forward the way I would like.  Perhaps it's just more of that hesitation I spoke of, and it drives me crazy!

Passivity, irrational fear, lack of confidence, anxiety about making real changes in my life - this is what I battle constantly, and have for as long as I can remember.  Not to complain, mind you, but it's more than a little wearying to deal with these very self-limiting feelings over decades, virtually without pause.  I sometimes marvel that I have accomplished anything at all in my life, so pervasive is the heaviness that preoccupies me much of the time.  If this sounds like depression, well - surprise! - that's exactly what I'm talking about.

In recent years, in part because many celebrities have come forward to tell their stories, chronic depression is no longer the taboo subject it once was.  Indeed, the subject has become much-discussed in the media - and probably in the blogosphere, too - I simply haven't checked.

Ironic, I suppose, that I'm beginning to unload about this on a blog, since this "burden" is obviously one of the main reasons for my "hesitancy" in blogging - of which I spoke earlier.  Maybe the cure is in naming and confronting the dis-ease.  At any rate, I'm really tired of holding so much inside an feeling lost in my own feelings.

Take 2

I suppose one has to develop a sort of rhythm to blogging, so here I am again - just not focused enough to write anything profound. ;-)  The book I'm currently reading, Once Upon a Country, is an account of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict told by a Palestinian professor whose family have lived in Jerusalem for hundreds of years.  His account, which I would describe as balanced and fair, is making me increasingly angry with the way Israel has treated these people whom they apparently feel are less than human.  I'm reserving judgment until I've finished the book and read an Israeli account, but I must say that my feelings from years of following events in the Middle East, are generally in sympathy with the Palestinians.  It will be interesting to see how I feel after my visit to Israel.  One of the features which attracted me to this particualr tour was the inclusion of dialog with Palestinians at a kibbutz which they share with Israelis.  Hopefully, that will give me a chance to witness the dynamic between the groups firsthand.

Being sick the past few days has afforded me the opportunity to let my mind relax and consider life from a more detached perspective.  As I approach retirement, I'm obviously taking a hard look at my priorities, resources, goals, dreams - yes, I still have some! - and relationships.  As well, I'm renewing my interest in questioning my philosophy - i.e., religion? - and how it affects my decisions at this point in my life.

This is a test - a work in progress.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words; and, to paraphrase: a journey of a thousand words begins with a single keystroke.  This is my attempt to become more proficient and comfortable with modern technology - and to communicate.  My use of computers to this date has been limited by a reluctance to take the risk of making myself vulnerable and subject to ridicule.  Which, of course, is ludicrous, but that's the way my lack of confidence manifests itself.  Please bear with me as I stumble into the future!

So - this is the first installment, however inconsequential, of my attempt to become a Blogger.  I tried this once before and stopped (more hesitation); but my motivation at this time is my imminent trip to Israel, in late May, and the desire to share observations - and hopefully, photos! - during that experience.  

Between now and then, I'll attempt to "practice" this new "skill"!